


You're an idiot, but, I love you

by HesitantlyHipsterAlien



Category: Backstage (TV 2016)
Genre: AU I suppose, And no one will let them be together and its obnoxious, Asexual! Kit Dunn, Because Jax and Miles had perfect chemistry, Jiles Centric, Just gay and fluffy and cute, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2018-12-19 16:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11901726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HesitantlyHipsterAlien/pseuds/HesitantlyHipsterAlien
Summary: Jax Gardner is a complicated boy with many secrets. He keeps it secret that he's classically trained in piano, flute, and trombone. Jax also keeps it a secret that he has- as its been called on Tumblr- the mental-illness-cocktail-of-fuck (ADHD, anxiety, and depression) which his parents have him on meds for. He also keeps his parents fighting- and impending divorce- a secret. One would think all of these things would be enough complications in his life. Of course, Jax one up's that statement when he discovers he's developed feelings for his best friend.





	1. What Might Come Out

"Miles?"

"Yeah."

"As in your best friend, the one you spend hours pretty much every night playing minecraft with?"

"Yes, Kit, that Miles," Jax sighs, albeit melodramatically, glancing to the shorter brunette with a somewhat annoyed expression. They've been talking about crushes. Hers is someone she met at a DiamondMind performance, so that's a tad problematic. And Jax's is, well...

"I mean, he's cute," Kit says, pulling her headphones off fully as she looks at Jax. "But do you know if he's-"

_He doesn't even know that I'm gay, you're the only person who does._

"Not a clue," Jax replies, combing a hand through his short brown curls out of frustration. "Like he never brings up liking people in conversation, and whenever the music class starts talking about who they all find attractive, he just kinda shuts down..."

"Maybe he's aro?"

"Oh that would be my luck, wouldn't it?"

"Y'know, you could tell him about you- not the crush part, obviously- but the being gay part," Kit suggests. "Maybe that could open up a conversation where you could get your answers..."

"I don't know..." Jax sighs softly. "Miles and I have never... like... talked about sexuality. I don't know what his stance is on it."

"Miles is an ally if not anything else," Kit says knowingly. "And besides, he trusts you with everything. Maybe you need to trust him that way too."

Jax nods, frowning in thought.

If he tells Miles about his sexuality, what other secrets might come out? He already knows about Jax being classically trained, so that one wouldn't be so bad, but if he knew about everything else... about the anxiety attacks, the mood swings, the insomnia, or the multiple fidgets Jax had to carry with him just to get through a normal day; if he knew about all the meds and the behavioral counseling it had taken to make Jax able to blend in with his neurotypical classmates; or about Jax's parents fighting, or how Jax hated being at home, or how when he 'spaced out' during minecraft it was because he'd locked himself in the bathroom where Miles couldn't hear him cry; or...

"Jax."

Kit's voice makes him jump. He glances to her, an eyebrow quirking upwards in question.

"You're drawing on your pants again."

Looking down, Jax inwardly groans. Sure enough, the black pen he's been making recording notes with is all over his right pant leg, an intricate system of spiral covering his knee.

"Fuck..."

"Rubbing alcohol will get that out," Kit says in her usual, indifferent tone. "Your cube is in the top pocket of your bag. Maybe trade the pen for that."

Kit knows about the fidgets because she remarked about them in class a couple of times, and then, when she and Jax started working on the DiamondMind tracks together, she learned where he kept them and what he needed them for. She never said anything bad about them, and in return, Jax got her a cube of her own that she often uses.

Sighing, Jax returns the pen to his bag, grabbing his blue, white, and metal cube out of his bag. Turning it in his hands, he finds the joystick before looking back to his computer screen. Time to get back to one of the few things in his life that makes sense and doesn't stress him out: Music.


	2. Straight Boy Nonsense

Miles lays on the lawn out behind Keaton, next to Bianca and Alya, who are cuddling. The grass prickles at the back of his neck, blades tickling the parts of his arms his T-shirt doesn't cover. At least the ground feels solid, unlike everything in his life he used to think was solid.

"What are you sulking about?" Alya asks, gently nudging him. He glances to her, frowning.

"I'm not-"

"Oh you so totally are, super-boy," Bianca playfully scolds. The nickname, as she explained to Miles, is because he apparently reminds her of the character from Next to Normal, the son who never got to have a life and thus is somehow a perfect creation. Miles has given up telling her he's not perfect.

"Its... complicated."

"Like having a life threatening disease isn't?" Alya remarks. She, Bianca, and Jax are the only ones Miles has told about his kidney thing. Jax knows more about it than the girls do, only because he's the only one Miles is comfortable talking about the scary parts- like the absolutely terrifying, holy shit I almost died parts- with.

"Its a different kind of complicated," Miles huffs.

"Ugh, is this a 'boys don't talk about their feelings' thing?" Bianca demand. "Because if it is, I already told you, that nonsense is for straight boys."

At this, Miles sighs. "...Well... Kind of..."

"Oh really?" Alya props herself up on an elbow to look at Miles over Bianca, sounding intrigued. "Alright, Lennox, spill it."

The brunette boy exhales shakily, taking a moment before he rolls to face his two friends. "I think something serious is up with Jax, but I don't know how to get him to talk about it."

"And what makes you think that?"

"I don't know he's just... acting different. Staying up way later than normal, spacing out without warning, skipping lunch to work with Kit. He's acting like-"

"You did when you were frustrated with your new meds," Alya offers. Miles nods.

"Is something going on between his parents?" Bianca asks. Miles frowns. Jax really doesn't talk much about his parents- which is probably what made Bianca ask- but Miles has heard adults fighting in the background of Jax's mic sometimes. But he can't tell the girls that. Its not his information to share. So instead, he lies.

"I don't know."

"Well have you thought about... here's a concept... asking him?" Bianca replies, her tone playfully snarky.

"Maybe... what if he doesn't want to talk?"

"Then you won't talk," Alya blurts out. "But you won't know until you ask, Miles."

Miles nods, rolling back to stare thoughtfully at the sky. He does know what he needs to ask. The question is when, and even further, how?


	3. Perfect Timing

The clock on his desk almost seems to be scolding him, its neon, orange numbers displaying the time- 1:44 a.m.- when he glances over. Looking back to the screen, and the village he and Jax just flooded, Miles gives a lighthearted, yet slightly worried sigh.

"What are you sighing at, Pretty Boy?" Jax's voice over the mic is amused, and of course, he uses that nickname. The one that still gives Miles way more butterflies than he would ever admit to anyone. Aside from maybe Alya. But only if she promised not to tell Bianca. Because then of course Bianca would pick on him for being soooo head over heels and he would feel even more weird about his feelings for his best friend. 

"Maybe the fact that its two a.m?" Miles replies, inwardly groaning at himself.

"Not for another fifteen minutes."

"Jax..."

"What, Miles?" Jax's tone is supposed to sound annoyed, but Miles can hear the sideways smirk that Jax gets when he knows he's being difficult. They've had this discussion/playful argument a few times over whether or not they both need to be getting more sleep, and at the end of the last one, Jax promised Miles he'd try to get to bed sooner. That meant any time before three a.m.

"Okay, asshole, are you going to keep your promise about getting to bed earlier or am I biking over there at two a.m to smother you with a pillow?"

Miles' sudden threat makes Jax laugh, a sound Miles can't help but smile at. Because while Jax laughs pretty often, its really rare to get one of his genuine laughs where he's borderline giggling and does that contented little sigh afterwards that Miles just can't help but find incredbibly adorable. 

Shit. He really is in deep.

After taking a moment to process his own thoughts, Miles speaks again. "Seriously though... you need to get some sleep. Going to school on four or five hours really isn't good for you, dude..."

"...I know," Jax says after a moment. And Miles realizes, its now or never.

"Is... everything okay? I wasn't going to say anything, but I could hear your parents arguing the other night over your mic and lately you've been acting like I was when I was on the new meds and I'm worried-"

"Miles, breathe." At Jax's words, Miles stops talking and does so. Closing his eyes, he's about to apologize when Jax speaks.

"If I'm being honest, no..." His voice is so soft suddenly that its like someone just suckerpunched Miles in the gut. "Everything is far from okay..."

Miles bites his lip. "Wanna talk about it?"

The smile returns to Jax's voice. "Sure... can I come over?"

"Yeah, of course."


	4. Pillow Talk

Miles wouldn't be bothered so much by Jax's sudden appearance at his bedroom window, if it weren't for the fact that Miles' room was on the second floor. Scrambling up, he pulls the window open, grabbing Jax's arm and yanking him in. The two boys crash to the floor, Jax straddling Miles. For a moment, the two sit there, staring at one another. Then, seeming to realize their position, Jax stands quickly, moving to close the window.

"Was the front door too easy?" Miles asks, smirking. 

"I didn't want to wake your parents," Jax replies, rubbing the back of his neck. Miles shakes his head, still smirking. 

"My parents aren't home," Miles chuckles, standing up. He sits on the bed, motioning for Jax to join him. Jax does so, flopping back onto the bed after a moment. "But I guess I forgot to tell you that, so that's half my fault."

"Eh, s'kind of funny to see the look on your face when I knock on the window though," Jax retorts, earning a soft glare from Miles.

"Yeah, well if you try it again and end up falling, I will kill you," He threatens playfully. The boy lying on his bed grins widely. 

"I dunno, I think the fall might do that first."

Miles gets this look on his face, and for a brief moment, Jax wonders if the other boy is about to punch him. Then, Miles flops down, pulling him into a hug. Jax freezes for a moment, then he hugs back, pressing his face into Miles' shoulder. When he speaks next, its very quiet and apologetic.

"That wasn't funny... sorry," he says. Miles just tightens his grip for a moment. 

A few minutes pass, then Miles releases him, flopping onto his back. They lay in silence, both well aware its now past three a.m and both well aware that neither one of them is tired. Then, Miles breaks the silence.

"So... what's going on with you?"

Jax's pulse jackhammers and he stares at the ceiling for a moment. Half of him is screaming not to, afraid that Miles will get frightened and never wanna talk to him again. The other half is tired. Just tired of the secrecy, and the hiding everything. Especially from Miles. Miles is his best friend. And best friends don't abandon each other just because things get tough.


End file.
